Kid-o-phobia: unscientific generalizations about male discomfort with children

What is the minimum amount of attention that you can respectably give a child before returning to a normal conversation with his or her beaming parents? Do you feel silly joining the chorus of coochie-coos when a little child enters the room?

I'm told that in one episode of Seinfeld, Jerry meets some friends who've just had a baby. When the proud parents present the baby to Seinfeld, he nods and greets it with a "Hi". And he moves on. Is Seinfeld really alone in his discomfiture? When you go to a postnatal baby shower, do you put as much distance between yourself and the baby as you possibly can and hide among other male friends? When someone 'lets' you hold their baby are you siezed with a morbid fear that makes you employ every cell in your body to maintain your combined center of gravity? Relax. You're part of a fraternity as old as the human race.

Note that I exclude women from this fraternity. This is, firstly, because I've called it a fraternity, and secondly because most single girls I have observed have shown a remarkable absence of the aforementioned affliction. Whether this is because of some deep seated maternal instinct or a less lofty desire to conform to social expectations is a question I dare not ask. I'll therefore turn my attention away from this advantaged half of humanity.

With such a dread of children wired deep into his psyche is it any surprise that it is seldom the newly wed husband who announces that it is time to multiply the fold? To be fair, even wives are not always the initiators of the litany of appeals (and other machinations) that lead to acceptance that it is time to have a child. The idea that it is time to have children is often planted by the mother-in-law, grandmom and other such venerables who take it as their solemn duty to see new leaves added to the family tree. Faced with this onslaught, the hapless husband capitulates.

As things progress and the the birth of the child is imminent, it is time for the husband to dutifully evince interest in various baby things. It is time to learn about baby showers, and diapers and car seats. And about foetal positions and development stages and various other ghastly things whose knowledge he'd be happier to entrust to God.

Then comes a day when he meets some friends and finds that he has had a whole conversation about babies and their needs.From that point, and aided by the birth and growth of the child, the husband's transformation is rapid. The sheer joy, the everyday achievements, the fun and the laughter overcome tears and fatigue and poop. But most of all they help the husband overcome the long developed trepidation on seeing every new child. Now, the husband is an expert. Now the husband is also a father.